So, I decide to write a new post. I wrote this letter to a guy name Hime on January 25, 2013 (My mistake, not 2012). I sent this letter today and well, I do not think I will hear from him again. We met at the wrong time and well, this is something different I think. I hope people can see that new things can come, and eventually I will have the time to post a new thing. Hope you like it.
January 25, 2013
The sun begins to set in the sky and the moon is rising back in me. That sun will not rise again to begin a new day. It will be night forever until the sun has a way to play a trick to get into the sky with the moon. I have to be honest from here and out and the truth is what I speak when it comes to everything in my life such as career and personal life. So here it goes.
When we first started to converse, I knew already who you were because I seen a picture of you. But, you did not know what I look like or anything on that detail. I kept myself hidden until it was the right time to show a picture of me. My cauldron started to produce potions of what we can do for a first meeting. I was thinking a movie or sit and converse while coffees are being produced. I was also contemplating if I wanted to go to the mall to see where you find fascinating in the mall. But then, we decided to meet in the streets of Milwaukee and we go back to your dorm room to play video games. Needless to say, I did not find that to be the wisest decision on anyone’s end especially on my end of thinking.
As we play, I was starting to win. Truth be told, I wanted a fair share. During the halfway point, we give into the temptation of a romance. And may I say this; I was not pleased to do it. In fact, I loathed it. We got naked and we did what we did. Never the less, I had a vision of you getting caught in bed with a man that morning. Lucky we thought fast but still, I was still very disappointed that you did not think that will happen and wanted to hide your true self when you expressed so much confidence inside of you. I understand that in the heat of the moment people in general do not think of the devil that is inside each and every one of us. Even the most “prefect” guy has something to let go of. So we casually try to pretend we were friends when in reality, we really were just strangers who just hooked up or just had some fun.
We played a bit more and then we show our creative sides such as your novel, with my lines for my play and my poetry. Before I forget, you mentioned to me that this one should go in the books. I already know this in my head, but you did not need to speak it out loud. It made me think that I was something you are going to remember forever as part of my everyday life. And I felt so violated that it will be memorized as the day of almost getting caught by somebody. Now, let’s move onto the creative sides.
I decided to read some of your writing. I did like you are trying to go for the tween crowd but I am not one in that crowd. I am guessing I considered myself as a more advanced reader for I am reading classics such as Jane Austen, Oscar Wilde and countless advanced geniuses of writing. But, I heard your voice in your writing which is a beautiful thing to have. It was overdone by a valley girl voice as well. Then I showed you some music that I like and the game I play. But then a phone call came when we were conversing a bit about our past.
You took the call and you mentioned to this friend that you will not believe what just happened today. I was turned off completely there and then. I do not appreciate that I am already part of your daily gossip. And well, I feel like what happened that day should stayed between us, not for the whole world to know. If you want to spill, wait until I am gone and away from your college because I think you will put yourself in danger. That would be a better fit, I think. But everyone is different, I guess.
Then, it was time to go home. As we were walking, rain was pouring on our faces and you did the arm around arm holding. I did not want to do it but of course, we were rushing so I can catch a bus back home without my mother wondering how many hours I was gone. It was sweet of you to stay but personally, I am used to being alone waiting for the bus and with my thoughts. You kissed me goodbye and that was that.
At the end of the day, I learned that in order for someone to love somebody they have to accept the baggage that person has. Truth be told, I can’t bring my baggage to you and expect you to take care of me. Needless to say, I know I need to say I am sorry to you and to me. Here is the truth.
After that day, I realized that I am not ready to give myself up again to you or any other new man in my life right now. I do not want a relationship with any man. Personally I want to be single and live my life for the baggage I carry is going to be too much for you. I know it will be because well, you are youthful and curious to know about new experiences. I have done a lot since the age of 16 and well, I do not think you can handle the stories that I have of countless men who think I was the freshest cookie out of the oven that they just want to burn instead of take a chance on it. But I bet you are thinking, well I can be your friend.
Truth be told, I am not interested in that either with any guy. I will not have the time and the heart to have someone new learn what I am going through because to be honest, I got hurt so many times that I am started to feel I can’t trust anyone new in my life. This is why I have to be so distant with you. I want to be alone. I want to see the capabilities I can do. I know I have so many abilities that will make you want me but, some of them are scary.
I want to feel the sun can invade my night sky unwillingly. Your sun was thrusted on the stage and I could control it to get it off my stage. If I could not control it, it would have been better for you to be in my life. But seeing I controlled it, the sun is not going to rise again for quite some time. I was turned off by a lot of things that day. I wanted to walk away from you and not look back to wonder the possibility if I could be with you. I can’t be with someone at this time, not for a relationship nor even a friendship.
I wish you luck in all that you do whether it is college, love or career. I wish you happiness that you can bring to all the people in your life. I wish you above all love for there is a man that will love you for you. I know I can’t be that man because I already mangled with your heart and I do not feel like I am a great fit for you. I know that someday maybe we can meet again. Maybe not but as of right now, I will be only destruction for you and I do not think I can be a good man to learn about.
Take care of yourself. I wish I did when I was your age but I did not. I was killed (in a sense) by a man who said the three unforgiveable words I never want to say until I can really feel it in my heart and let me tell you, he said it was not easy for him for to say it. I was your age, and then he took advantage of the fact he knew me for 2 years when I was with someone. On another note, I did not like all the nicknames you given me. I understand if you were dating me but not when we are just getting to know each other. Thank you and good luck in all your future endeavors.
P.S. Do not email me, call or text me anymore. I will not respond to it because I feel like I will have something with you. I do not want to lead you on to pretend I want to be with you. I had men who did that to me in the past and it hurts when they just ignore you. I want to be a different man than the ones who hurted me so badly. I don’t want to do the same to you so here’s the letter to prove it.