If Life Gives You A Piece of Shit

So on September 5, 2009, I wrote a poem called “If Life Gives You A Piece Of Shit.” It was kind of a reminder to myself that everyone is loved regardless what happens. It also served as an attack to Waukesha because I did got lost, trying to get to my friend’s house at the time and I could not find it. Instead I got a bleeding nose and well, I decide to use it as a grudge. But now the grudge is gone. I remember the anger I felt. But, now I decided to recopy and share it on here. Enjoy!

If Life Gives You A Piece Of Shit

If Life Gives You A Piece Of Shit, Remember this……
You always have someone that loves you.
You always can find love somewhere in life…..but do not look for it.
Let it come to you.

You can find that a dance will always move you or song
or a poem
or even a great friend.
You can find that I was your friend all long
or even your worse enemy.
You decide…I follow.

You can see that rain drops will fall down when someone dies
and when the sun shines
everything seems to be so grand.

If you are bleeding in the middle of the bus depot
downtown in Waukesha…
oh no, no one gives you a shit.
They do not give you a fuckin’ tissue either.
Let you bleed….
that thought goes on to that mind they call a brain…oh well….

Queen…oh she is a killer queen….
or should I say he….
lmao….

If life gives you a piece of shit, now that every rainbow you can follow
and every skull does not mean it is your time to die….
just let you know, at least your baby did not shot you down…

Let these words smooth you out,
let it run through your blood…
let even blood drop and let everyone stare and watch you die……

If life give you a piece of shit,
let you know at least I would be wearing black
and staring at your grave….
and crying

If life gives you a piece of shit,
I will always hug you…
I will always love ya….
and well,

If life gives you a piece of shit,
dance the night away…
because life will always throw pieces of shit…
up to you to stop and smell…
or keep going because you are so free to do the hell you please!

To Hime…

Hello Kitty

So, I decide to write a new post. I wrote this letter to a guy name Hime on January 25, 2013 (My mistake, not 2012). I sent this letter today and well, I do not think I will hear from him again. We met at the wrong time and well, this is something different I think. I hope people can see that new things can come, and eventually I will have the time to post a new thing. Hope you like it.

January 25, 2013

Dear Hime,

The sun begins to set in the sky and the moon is rising back in me. That sun will not rise again to begin a new day. It will be night forever until the sun has a way to play a trick to get into the sky with the moon.  I have to be honest from here and out and the truth is what I speak when it comes to everything in my life such as career and personal life. So here it goes.

When we first started to converse, I knew already who you were because I seen a picture of you. But, you did not know what I look like or anything on that detail. I kept myself hidden until it was the right time to show a picture of me. My cauldron started to produce potions of what we can do for a first meeting. I was thinking a movie or sit and converse while coffees are being produced. I was also contemplating if I wanted to go to the mall to see where you find fascinating in the mall. But then, we decided to meet in the streets of Milwaukee and we go back to your dorm room to play video games. Needless to say, I did not find that to be the wisest decision on anyone’s end especially on my end of thinking.

As we play, I was starting to win. Truth be told, I wanted a fair share. During the halfway point, we give into the temptation of a romance. And may I say this; I was not pleased to do it. In fact, I loathed it. We got naked and we did what we did. Never the less, I had a vision of you getting caught in bed with a man that morning. Lucky we thought fast but still, I was still very disappointed that you did not think that will happen and wanted to hide your true self when you expressed so much confidence inside of you. I understand that in the heat of the moment people in general do not think of the devil that is inside each and every one of us. Even the most “prefect” guy has something to let go of. So we casually try to pretend we were friends when in reality, we really were just strangers who just hooked up or just had some fun.

We played a bit more and then we show our creative sides such as your novel, with my lines for my play and my poetry.  Before I forget, you mentioned to me that this one should go in the books. I already know this in my head, but you did not need to speak it out loud. It made me think that I was something you are going to remember forever as part of my everyday life. And I felt so violated that it will be memorized as the day of almost getting caught by somebody. Now, let’s move onto the creative sides.

I decided to read some of your writing. I did like you are trying to go for the tween crowd but I am not one in that crowd. I am guessing I considered myself as a more advanced reader for I am reading classics such as Jane Austen, Oscar Wilde and countless advanced geniuses of writing. But, I heard your voice in your writing which is a beautiful thing to have. It was overdone by a valley girl voice as well.  Then I showed you some music that I like and the game I play. But then a phone call came when we were conversing a bit about our past.

You took the call and you mentioned to this friend that you will not believe what just happened today. I was turned off completely there and then. I do not appreciate that I am already part of your daily gossip. And well, I feel like what happened that day should stayed between us, not for the whole world to know. If you want to spill, wait until I am gone and away from your college because I think you will put yourself in danger. That would be a better fit, I think. But everyone is different, I guess.

Then, it was time to go home. As we were walking, rain was pouring on our faces and you did the arm around arm holding. I did not want to do it but of course, we were rushing so I can catch a bus back home without my mother wondering how many hours I was gone. It was sweet of you to stay but personally, I am used to being alone waiting for the bus and with my thoughts. You kissed me goodbye and that was that.

At the end of the day, I learned that in order for someone to love somebody they have to accept the baggage that person has. Truth be told, I can’t bring my baggage to you and expect you to take care of me. Needless to say, I know I need to say I am sorry to you and to me. Here is the truth.

After that day, I realized that I am not ready to give myself up again to you or any other new man in my life right now. I do not want a relationship with any man. Personally I want to be single and live my life for the baggage I carry is going to be too much for you. I know it will be because well, you are youthful and curious to know about new experiences. I have done a lot since the age of 16 and well, I do not think you can handle the stories that I have of countless men who think I was the freshest cookie out of the oven that they just want to burn instead of take a chance on it. But I bet you are thinking, well I can be your friend.

Truth be told, I am not interested in that either with any guy. I will not have the time and the heart to have someone new learn what I am going through because to be honest, I got hurt so many times that I am started to feel I can’t trust anyone new in my life. This is why I have to be so distant with you. I want to be alone. I want to see the capabilities I can do. I know I have so many abilities that will make you want me but, some of them are scary.

I want to feel the sun can invade my night sky unwillingly. Your sun was thrusted on the stage and I could control it to get it off my stage. If I could not control it, it would have been better for you to be in my life. But seeing I controlled it, the sun is not going to rise again for quite some time. I was turned off by a lot of things that day. I wanted to walk away from you and not look back to wonder the possibility if I could be with you. I can’t be with someone at this time, not for a relationship nor even a friendship.

I wish you luck in all that you do whether it is college, love or career. I wish you happiness that you can bring to all the people in your life. I wish you above all love for there is a man that will love you for you. I know I can’t be that man because I already mangled with your heart and I do not feel like I am a great fit for you. I know that someday maybe we can meet again. Maybe not but as of right now, I will be only destruction for you and I do not think I can be a good man to learn about.

Take care of yourself. I wish I did when I was your age but I did not. I was killed (in a sense) by a man who said the three unforgiveable words I never want to say until I can really feel it in my heart and let me tell you, he said it was not easy for him for to say it. I was your age, and then he took advantage of the fact he knew me for 2 years when I was with someone. On another note, I did not like all the nicknames you given me. I understand if you were dating me but not when we are just getting to know each other. Thank you and good luck in all your future endeavors.

Sincerely yours,
Adam Vargas

P.S. Do not email me, call or text me anymore. I will not respond to it because I feel like I will have something with you. I do not want to lead you on to pretend I want to be with you. I had men who did that to me in the past and it hurts when they just ignore you. I want to be a different man than the ones who hurted me so badly. I don’t want to do the same to you so here’s the letter to prove it.

Smiles And Toys/Sonrisas y Juguetes

Poem #1 for today is called: “Am I Supposed To Smile Today? I think I forget how to.” It is basically me trying to make sense with life when lights turn off and the darkness seems to crawl back in. Even when friends make me mad and upset, I fake a smile so the whole world can see. But I am not going to do that anymore. This was written on a site called Facebook on October 24, 2009. Enjoy yourselves.

Am I supposed to smile today? I think I forget how to.
With headphones breaking down, my stomach hurting as hell….
and well, my life falling through the mirror,
I am just looking inwards and hope I can find a light.
But…
no light has been shined on me.
Even though I went to the movies to escape from my house’s snares,
it seems like I did not escape it.
I let the snares capture me and make me feel down.
Someone had disappointed me…
I try to smile act like I do not care
but deep inside,
I do and everyone knows it.
Everyone knows how sensitive I can be.
Everyone knows I break down faster than glass.
No matter what, I cry myself to sleep.
Not because of the future, not because of the past.
It is because of being me. I am tired.
I feel dead.
No matter what, I cry.
Does everyone do?
I hardly see people cry in front of my face.
I wish I can be there when the times were rough.
I wish you were here with me no matter what.
I wish you can love me and I can call you mine so I do not have to deal with all these other people
try to hit on my heart and make me feel so damn sad.
I cry…I cry….
alone….

Poem #2 & 3 is called: “I’m Not Your Toy/No Soy Tú Juguete.” It is a poem addressed to a very certain man who seems to be toying with my heart ever since 2011. He claims I am not ready in 2011 but who is? I am done playing games and it is time that people can see that. He will not address the critical conditions of my life but still, once he walked away, he was done for. He should just ask me there. But nope…he let me go. And freedom shall be my goal.

Poem #2: I’m Not Your Toy
I am giving up
because I do not want you to take my cup
and pour some hot
gasoline so I can burn up and rot.
You want me in your life
but you cut me with a knife.
With your words that were ever so
sweet but oh dear or oh no
I see your lies
in your eyes
and in your words that I fell for
Well, let’s just say I am going to soar.
Come and get to know me, boy…
After all, I am not your toy.
If you want to play with fire,
I will give you something to admire.
I am gone until you are ready to talk
to me but all you do is walk.
Take a chance on me

Poem #3: No Soy Tú Juguete
Estoy renunciando a
porque no quiero que tome mi taza
y verter un poco de calor
la gasolina para que pueda quemar y la putrefacción.
Tú me quieres en tu vida
pero me cortó con un cuchillo.
Con sus palabras que era siempre muy
dulce, pero Dios mío, o no
Veo tus mentiras
en tus ojos
y en sus palabras que me enamoré de
Bueno, digamos que voy a volar.
Venga y conozca a mí, chico …
Después de todo, yo no soy tu juguete.
Si quieres jugar con fuego,
Te daré algo de admirar.
Yo me haya ido hasta que esté listo para hablar
para mí, pero todo lo que hacen es caminar.
Tome una ocasión en mí

Consider The Lobster (An English 101 Essay)

Intro Before The Essay: Have you ever been in hot water before from life? I know I have. I will love for you to read this article I read during my second time around in English 101 at the university. During that time, I was trying to cope with being single and losing people. Also, adding people in my life. The article you should read about this is called “Consider The Lobster” by David Foster Wallace. It talks about how Maine has lobster festivals. And think about it, you boil the lobster alive just to eat it. Sad, I know. But here’s my interpretation on “Consider The Lobster.” It is called “Save Me,” written on March 9, 2010. Here’s the essay:

Lobster

The lobster is a living sea creature that people can consume inside their bodies and feel the sensation of pleasure and warmth. People can even see their poor faces in the tanks in their local Red Lobster restaurant and pick the one they want to eat. Now, the spirit of a brother or sister or someone dies in the boiling pot and must come back as something else or just merely achieve the goal of Nirvana. Acknowledging the fact of never eating a lobster in life, I had seen them. As the sadness in their eyes look at the people all around them, the lobster knows it is next when a person orders it. Pretty soon, new ones will come with the sad, gloomy eyes. Their cry “Save Me,” plays as they are picked up but no, this deed cannot be undoing once the killing of a lobster. Reading “Consider the Lobster” by David Foster Wallace (Wallace), he will take a stand for the lobster. However, Wallace shows the detail of it and that could drag certain people. Here’s the essay of what I analysis in Wallace’s art.

Animals were the thing that was studied the most during my youth years. As I grew older, I became very protective to animals. I do not even swat flies away from me. I do not even crush every bug that crawls on the ground. I look before I step so that way, the animals may live. However, not every animal I know can be saved. If that was the case, I would be tired and constantly harping on people “Stop!” Wallace takes a stab at that idea in his work. As I looked at the pictures, it seems to me he is advocating the fact that lobsters should not be eaten for granted. As Wallace compares the Maine Lobster Festival to “a Roman circus or medieval torture-fest” those words stick in my mind like mud. Of course, this is immortal but, this is something up to the human to make. I feel like the boiling pot engulfs me as I am screaming to be saved. We are all lobsters in one way or another.

This article really drew me in and I notice how the details Wallace used to describe this festival. I will like to see that but, in the same time, it shows I am a supporter of animal cruelty. I rather not see a lobster tortured in my face because it can remind me of some many things from victims of torture to my own well being. “Is it all right to boil a sentient creature alive just for our gustatory pleasure?” Wallace asks the readers and everyone who had lobster. The lobster is boiled alive? What the hell is going on in people’s mind? Sorry. That was my own reaction as I read that. How nerve wracking it can be. Now, by reading that, it reminds me of how humans are lobsters. As I said before, we are all lobsters. How so? Well, when people get into a heap of trouble, then, the worse comes out. The feeling of being boiled alive is the same exact feelings I felt when personal memories that haunt so much that I just could not take it anymore. I know I was under a lot of pressure and that itself can be the boiling water. Plus, things get added before the lobster (a person) gets dropped in and boiled with life all around the person. Then, the person is yelling “Save me! Save me!” nonstop for a hero to come out of the darkness. Most of the time, the hero does not come and we are boiled alive with our own faults. Sometimes, the water goes off and a hero comes, but those are like fairy tales where it seems like it ends in happily ever after.

The lobster is a living creature that the human world takes for granted. We are torturing animals for our own pleasure of food. After all, the human is like a lobster. We get boiled in our own mess. I will take Wallace’s stance on this. Consider the Lobster before something inhumane comes your way and the boiling water boils you alive.

Link to the article: Consider The Lobster

 

Some Random Ass Shit

September 16, 2012:

Yes, this is a random. Play and sing along. After all, there are no boundaries when it comes to random day. I guess I need to unraval what is in my head. That should be fun.

1:11pm

So, Glee premiered the Season 4 episode. I did enjoyed the Americano/Dance Again attempt of Kate Hudson singing Spanish. I think as an artist, you should learn how to articulate correctly. True, some words I do not pronounce correctly but, Spanish is something I am a bit critical on. Hearing Alex Newell (Wade/Unique), Darren Criss (Blaine), Jenna Ushkowitz (Tina) and Heather Morris (Brittany) all facing each other singing Call Me Maybe to become “The New Rachel.” Truly, none of them can be the new Rachel. Sure Blaine has good control over his voice and Tina was “told” by Rachel that she will get more solos once she leaves. Never the less, I appreciated the cover but was not fond on it. I wanted Jake Artist keep singing because the song he was covering (which was Never Say Never by The Fray) seem so beautiful. I got inspired to actually write something. New York State of Mind and Chasing Pavements was beautifully done. Also, It’s Time sung by Blaine was amazing. I got inspired by this song as well. And almost cried. And introducing Brody, wow, he has a great physique. Interesting voice too. Overall, I rate it a 3.5/5 stars.

1:17pm

I also started to watching two new shows this week. One is called “The X Factor” and one is called “The New Normal.” “The X Factor” is a show like American Idol but it has some interesting perks that probarly other shows do not have. I am watching to see how judging can work just in case if I want to try. Sure, I work hard for my dreams. I am not going to back done. But some the auditions yesterday left in shock but in the same time, some left me wanting to smack the competition. Such as the overly obsessed fan of Britney Spears, the one who attacked the ladies and then Demi Lavato (yes, clearly she should had reword her comment a bit differently,) but still even with his “7 day a week voice training, he desperately did not want this from my eyes. We even got a glimpse of Britney’s first duet partner Mr. Don Phillip. I do not know what happen to his voice in ten years. I clearly can tell he went through a lot since he last saw Britney. After all, he was on the edge of suicide and finally came out. I am so proud of him to try and I wanted to hug him through the tears. Pissed me off that they cut so much of his story…

1:30pm

Now, about “The New Normal” I was interested to have an actual gay family be finally considered “normal” in this society. Of course, we got the group One Million Moms protesting against it and there’s nothing more that pissed me off than having the second episode air and the unaired pilot is on the web. Ugh! Then the site breaks down, etc. etc. etc.

3:33pm

Okay the reason why so late is because I had to eat lunch, try to do other things and I am trying to handle everything at once. Today Mexico beat Spain in 1810 if I remember my history serves me right. Finally, I can do something dealing with my culture. I miss my hometown every day…

3:54pm

I deleted a crazy 16 year old who wanted to have sex with me before. Yeah not going to happen.

4:08pm

Mexico

4:20pm

Upside down/bouncing off the ceiling/inside out/stranger to this feeling/got no clue/what I should do… A*Teens in my head now….great….

A*Teens

I Can Not Believe…

It rang true last night…and also when I wrote it on September 30, 2012:

I can not believe I forget to write yesterday. But then again, I could. It was getting late at night,
my mother was out,
my older brother was out until early morning.
Talk about the craziness for one day…
And yet Wizard101 took over me like no tomorrow.
The sun will come out tomorrow
Oh great “Annie” is in my head…

Darn!

Yes I am still beating my head
beating this drum because I forget to write here the other day.

So apparently, I am talked about at my old church.
Even the priest asked my brothers if I am ever going to get confirmed.

Okay, father…I am not. I am a spiritual man.
Not overrated religious guy…
And well I gave it up.

Oh hello,
I was trying to do random and poetry. I think it failed miserably, would you say lads? Haha

So I wrote a poem on April 30th called “The week is almost over.” I guess I am looking at the weekend. No idea why. I do not remember. So here’s a poem I wrote.

The Week Is Almost Over

I have not wrote one since like forever in time

but let me state what has happen in my life that I can call awful while everyone says it is your lost

Immigrant March tommorrow and can’t even skip school for it

Si se puedo bitch

but oh welll

My name is Orlando, no it is not…..but it sounds hotter than Paul

but who gives a fudge cake?

I finally got talked to by one of my friends who is on a cruise ship, thank whoever is up there he is safe

He is in Mexico which makes me jealous.

I have 11 blogs and this is my 12th

Maybe it will be a secret dairy

or not

Saw Matt, Work at Ethnic Fair Last Week

and well no medicine for 2 weeks

and already anger play a damn role

so…time to close….